Match Report: Chatteris FC vs the Hong Kong Hornets

In a new feature for the Chatteris Blog, Ben Bennett (our answer to Jose Mourinho) documents the trials and tribulations of Chatteris FC, a football team made up of any Chatteris employees who fancy competing together against the best (and the rest) that Hong Kong has to offer. In this edition, we join Ben as Chatteris FC take on the fearsome Hong Kong Hornets...

Chatteris FC were back in action last weekend following successive defeats (which will remain unreported) under the Saturday night lights of Kowloon City against the Hong Kong Hornets. With some tricky selection problems, the gaffer (‘gaffer’ means ‘coach’, American readers –ed.) went with the tried and tested 4-5-1 with Donald ‘The Don’ Heilig spearheading the attack, Harry dropping into defence and Kyne ‘Kynesteiger’ Wigel making his debut in the famous Chatteris sky blue from the left.

The early exchanges were even and the wind was impacting the flow of the game. Within 15 minutes, we found ourselves in front as The Don raced onto a ball down the middle like a well-maintained whippet; slotting past the keeper and giving the whole side a huge injection of confidence. However, within 5 minutes a disaster struck as we conceded from a set piece following a failure to clear from the near post.

Nevertheless, as the first third drew to a close Dave sent over a free kick from the left from 40 yards. It angled off the goal frame in an effort that David Beckham himself would have thought implausible. By now, we also had a team of cheerleaders and Davy’s wavy set piece sent them into raptures once they were informed it had gone in!

We began the second third kicking into the wind with our opponents beginning to take a hold of the game. They had the breeze in their sails and so we were very grateful to Big Ron for making a tremendous Cat-like claw to keep out a shot destined for the net. The Don then galloped forward on the counter-attack and saw a good effort  kept out that was unlucky not to find the onion bag (and ‘onion bag’ means ‘goal’, American readers- ed).

Next came a moment of madness from the previously imperious Glewis as he brutally scythed down an opponent from behind in the box, causing time itself to slow down. At this point, we were unsure if we were in Kowloon City or the twilight zone. Astonishingly, the referee decided not to award the penalty which caused more confusion than an American receiving instructions from his gaffer to stick it in the onion bag.

Into the final third with the wind behind us once again, we dominated with ‘The Admiral’, Lewis and ‘Box-to-Boscar’ providing guile in the middle, allowing Dave and The Don to use their pace down the flanks. ‘The Admiral’ then went on an incredible maze-like run which included more pirouetting and twirls than an entire series of Strictly Come Dancing. He beat four opposition players before running out of steam as it wasn’t just the opponents he had tied in knots.

Into the last 10 and disaster struck as we gave away a needless free kick 30 yards from the goal which Gianluigi BuffRon couldn’t hold and the rebound was gobbled up to tie the scores at Desmond 2-2. Undeterred the roar went up from the lads and we sensed that the goal scoring was not yet at an end. With 5 minutes remaining, we grabbed a winner courtesy of our American goal scoring sensation, The Don, who hooked home after a flick-on from Oscar following a clipped ball from Glewis. The defence stood solid in the last few minutes not permitting a single chance with Adam ‘the roadblock’ and ‘50 Spence’ cracking the shutters down the sides. ‘Dirty Harry’ and the reformed Glewis were acting out their inner Gandalf, allowing nothing to pass through the middle. If anything, we were the more likely to grab another goal as Oscar teed up The Don for the hat trick, only to be denied by the opposition keeper.

Full-time result: Chatteris FC 3 – 2 Hong Kong Hornets
Man of the Match: ‘The Admiral’ Akbar Khan


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